Emotional self-regulation is the ability to stay with a situation and think it through rather than simply reacting to it. It’s that moment when you feel your frustration rising during a heated conversation, but instead of snapping back, you take a breath and choose your words carefully. Self-regulation doesn’t mean suppressing emotions, nor does it mean ignoring them. It’s about noticing your feelings, letting them surface, and then deciding how you’ll react.
Imagine you’re stuck in traffic, late for a meeting. Your heart races, frustration bubbles up, and you want to bang your hands on the steering wheel. But then, something shifts. We override the impulse to scream and shout. Instead, we hear the music playing, or notice our surroundings, and the thought that losing your temper won’t move the traffic comes up. That shift is emotional self-regulation in action.
Consider the opposite, emotional dysregulation – the difficulty in controlling the stress levels that arise due to emotional arousal, so much so we can’t think straight, act or relate to another in a thoughtful way. We are often propelled into fight, flight or freeze reactions. Uncontrolled emotions can often escalate a situation, leading to hurt feelings or damaged relationships.
When we’re able to express our authentic feelings and look to find resolutions rather than blame, it often leads to better outcomes for both parties. Emotional self-regulation is not about suppression of the emotion, quite the opposite, first recognising the emotional response to the situation, and combining thinking and emotion to the action to be taken, so your response is intentional, not reactive.
It is never too late to develop the ability to emotionally regulate in difficult situations or challenging interactions with people. This is what the pre-frontal cortex of the brain is there for- to create top-down brain pathways that quieten the trigger of the fight, flight and freeze reactions (which are developed for physical protection).
We all have moments when our emotions feel too big for the situation. Whether it’s anger, stress, or frustration, these are universal experiences, but how we deal with them differs.
Take anger, for example. It often emerges when we feel something is unfair or out of our control. It’s easy to lash out when anger surfaces, but once the heat of the moment passes, we often wonder if the situation could have been dealt with differently. Stress, too, works similarly. When deadlines pile up, and we’re feeling swamped, stress can push us towards quick, often unproductive reactions—like snapping at someone or giving up entirely.
The key challenge with these emotions is that they often stem from a feeling of powerlessness. By noticing these authentic feelings as they arise and stay with thinking about what’s going on, you shift from being reactive to proactive in handling life’s testing moments.
To regulate one’s emotions is not a one-size-fits-all solution, luckily there are strategies we can lean on to help us find our calm more easily.
When emotions flare up, the body’s inner status changes—heart races, breath quickens, muscles tighten. But here’s where regulating our breathing can help us. By slowing down our breath, we signal to our body that it’s safe to relax, which can help lessen the emotional intensity we are experiencing. Even something as simple as taking three deep, slow breaths when we feel anger or stress rising can give us enough pause to reset before you react.
Cognitive reframing is about shifting our perspective. Imagine we receive some constructive criticism at work. Our initial reaction might be defensiveness or frustration. But what if we wait 5 or 10 minutes and think about the feedback, will we feel differently about it? Instead of seeing it as a personal attack, we may view it as an opportunity for developing. This shift in thinking not only reduces emotional stress but also helps you respond in a more productive way.
Tension and tightness builds up in our bodies when we’re stressed, anxious, or angry. Progressive muscle relaxation involves systematically tensing and then relaxing different muscle groups, starting from our toes and working our way up. This technique not only helps release physical tension but also works as a mental reset, helping us approach challenges in a relaxed manner.
In highly emotional moments, it’s easy to react immediately. But learning to ‘pause’ is one of the most powerful tools for self-regulation. When something triggers us, we can count slowly to 50, maybe go for a walk, or even write down your feelings. This gives our brain time to register the feeling without the emotional intensity, allowing us to respond to the situation without blame.
We all have emotional triggers—situations or behaviours that seem to irritate or upset us. For some, it might be criticism, for others, being ignored. Recognising these triggers is a start towards self-regulation. It’s like seeing potholes on a road—once we see them coming, we can navigate around them instead of constantly falling into them.
But identifying triggers takes time, and honesty. Start by reflecting on moments when we’ve reacted strongly. What was the common theme? Was it the tone someone used? The feeling of not being heard? By pinpointing our triggers, we gain insight into our emotional landscape, and this awareness is the first step towards managing our responses more effectively.
Self-awareness is about recognising not just how we feel, but why you feel that way. It’s easy to get swept up in emotions without stopping to ask, “Why am I feeling this?” Self-awareness gives us the opportunity to pause and understand the root of our emotions. Are we actually angry because of the situation, or is something deeper at play, like insecurity or fear?
Building self-awareness requires attention, one way to start is noticing our thoughts and feelings when we find ourselves in an emotional state. Take a few minutes to write down or think about what happened, how we felt, and what aspect of our self-image might have been challenged. Over time, these reflections will help us identify patterns of thinking, and give us an insight into our emotional responses.
If you’d like to learn more on self-awareness, check out these 2 articles:
Emotional self-regulation is not about being emotionless or numbing. It’s about giving yourself the space to think and feel and act, rather than react. By using strategies like calming our breathing, seeing the bigger picture, and becoming more aware of our emotional triggers, we begin to take responsibility of how we experience and express emotions. Life will always throw challenges our way, but regulating our emotions we can meet those challenges with a calm, kinder approach that serves not only us but the people around us.